Birthdays

ok, so it is my aunts birthday today, and though that really has nothing to do with cancer, i thought it was worth mentioning.
she is an important person in my life who truly accepts me, through thick and thin, and that i admire.
what does this have to do with cancer? nothing, but i do think that it is important to let those that you love, know that you love them. call them up on their birthdays and let them know that you ARE glad that they were born. cancer is more than life and death...it is living...loving.
as the garth brooks song says "if tomorrow never comes, will they know how much you loved them?"

Doctors and Algebra

i have to go see another doctor (doctor B) today about my cervical cancer. this is the one who is covered by insurance, but he doesn't speak english, which is why i was going to the private doctor (doctor A) to begin with. Now hopefully doctor B will just write the referral i need to go see yet another doctor (doctor C) on Thursday. doctor C is the oncologist/gynecologist. he'll be the one performing the surgery.

upon all these doctors and doctor visits, the question is posed: how many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? i have been seeing so many doctors lately, i feel like i'm at a singles mixer for the rich and famous. call me old fashioned but i prefer to be tied down to one doctor and not play the field. to have just one doctor that does everything and not have your medical journal look like an algebra problem.

if A+B=C, then why can't i just go to C? is it just like in school when you can't just write down the answer, but have to show your work? my teachers always said that i would need all of that information i learned sometime in my life. i just never thought it would be that.

maybe life really is an arithmetic problem. death is "the answer", "showing your work" is life itself.

Beginnings

well, it's official. we found out last night that it is in fact cancer. i need to call my doctor after january 7th and we can set up an appointment for surgery. needless to say i have been doing a lot of reading on the internet about hysterectomies, chemotherapy, radiation, etc...
its very scary, but i am trying my best to stay optimistic about all of this. its not the fact that i am fighting cancer for the second time in my life, but the fact that i am fighting. and i will continue to fight for as long as it takes.
this is not the end of my life, but the beginning. my outlook and perspectives are finally taking form. and though i am far from being an olympic athlete, i can and will jump any hurdle this life has to offer. i have the right to free will, the right to free speech and i have the right to live. i have been alive for 37 years, but now is when i finally start living.

Philosophical Views

so, monday has came and went and so far no news from the doctor. i called yesterday and was told that she would call me when the results are in. i understand that this is the holiday season, but do i really need to wait any longer than i already have? its like reading a suspense novel where you always feel the urge to flip to the last page to see the ending.
is waiting really the worse part? at least if i had something concrete, i could move forward. move in the direction of recovery and/or getting on with my life. and no matter how much i try, i cannot stop staring at the phone.
one would be surprised as to how philosophical even the most logical person can get.
does a watched phone really never ring, or does it just seem that way?
is it too late to find god? was he ever lost to begin with?
what really is the meaning of life? is it based on faith in times of trouble or lack there of?
i would say its based on survival, but no one survives life. so is death the meaning of life?
if i may quote Isaac Asimov: "life is pleasant. death is peaceful. it's the transition that's troublesome"