Beginnings

well, it's official. we found out last night that it is in fact cancer. i need to call my doctor after january 7th and we can set up an appointment for surgery. needless to say i have been doing a lot of reading on the internet about hysterectomies, chemotherapy, radiation, etc...
its very scary, but i am trying my best to stay optimistic about all of this. its not the fact that i am fighting cancer for the second time in my life, but the fact that i am fighting. and i will continue to fight for as long as it takes.
this is not the end of my life, but the beginning. my outlook and perspectives are finally taking form. and though i am far from being an olympic athlete, i can and will jump any hurdle this life has to offer. i have the right to free will, the right to free speech and i have the right to live. i have been alive for 37 years, but now is when i finally start living.

Philosophical Views

so, monday has came and went and so far no news from the doctor. i called yesterday and was told that she would call me when the results are in. i understand that this is the holiday season, but do i really need to wait any longer than i already have? its like reading a suspense novel where you always feel the urge to flip to the last page to see the ending.
is waiting really the worse part? at least if i had something concrete, i could move forward. move in the direction of recovery and/or getting on with my life. and no matter how much i try, i cannot stop staring at the phone.
one would be surprised as to how philosophical even the most logical person can get.
does a watched phone really never ring, or does it just seem that way?
is it too late to find god? was he ever lost to begin with?
what really is the meaning of life? is it based on faith in times of trouble or lack there of?
i would say its based on survival, but no one survives life. so is death the meaning of life?
if i may quote Isaac Asimov: "life is pleasant. death is peaceful. it's the transition that's troublesome"

What Really Happens During a Biopsy

i thought i would shed some light on the truth about cervical biopsies. women reading this may want to bookmark this page to let your men read it later.
i have been to numerous websites before and am so tired of the word "discomfort" when associated with biopsies, mammograms, etc.
we are not allowed to have sex for a month after a biopsy. we cannot lift, run, or even walk fast...doctors orders. so why do they say it is just uncomfortable?
let me explain the procedures of a cervical biopsy to all of you from my own personal experience. i am not trying to scare anyone, but i feel women should be properly informed prior.

i am lying there in the doctors office with my feet in the stirrups (as usual) and she shows me this small, loop of wire at the end of a stick1. seemed harmless enough...WRONG! it consisted of voltage passing through the little wired loop to scrape tissue samples from my cervix, vaginal walls, and cervical canal. as if this was not bad enough...we then have to stop the bleeding from where we took the tissue samples. this is when we go from "discomfort" to painful.
and how do we stop the bleeding? with salve?..no....with a tampon (this would make sense)...no
we burn the wounds shut!...i am laying there and my doctor said that "now we have to stop the bleeding". i thought the worse was over...WRONG again!
next thing i know i have smoke coming out of my vagina. so i am laying there waiting for my doctor to yell "fire in the hole" and grab the extinguisher while i am fighting back tears and i'm wondering exactly how much more should one person go through before this is considered more than just a "discomfort"?
so men, please, if a loved of of yours has to go through this procedure, do not ask her to cook dinner, go grocery shopping, or expect her to wash the dishes. (Note: this does not mean that the dishes should pile up until she is well enough to wash them.) if you cannot grasp the concept of any of this then i will put it in terms you can understand.
turn on the stove...place your penis on the hot burner about 10 times for approximately 1-2 seconds each time. after that, see how much you feel like walking around.

1. LEEP...looks harmless doesn't it?

Surviving Cancer

15 years ago, i was diagnosed with cervical cancer. problem was, i was pregnant with my son at the time. the doctors told me to abort the baby and have the cancer removed or neither of us would survive childbirth. i never had it removed and, i am happy to say, my son is now 14 years old. the cancer went into "remission" shortly after he was born and i have never had a problem since...until now.

almost 15 years to the day, i started having problems. my menstrual cycle was all out of whack. i bled for 5 weeks before going to the doctor. she prescribed me hormone pills to stop the bleeding and it worked. but then i went in for a pap test and a week later i called for the results. that's where the nightmare begins.
my doctor said the results were not good and needed to see me right away for a colposcopy. once she added the vinegar solution to my cervix, there was no doubt that a biopsy was necessary right then and there.
i asked her after the appointment what she thought the results would be. she stated "it doesn't look good". i have to call her next monday for the results, but having hope is getting more and more difficult.
i fought 15 years ago...and now i am fighting again. quite frankly, it becomes exhausting having to fight for your life everyday. some days you want to thrown in the towel and give up. other days, you want to scream at the cancer "YOU WILL NOT WIN!". its a never ending roller coaster of emotions and i'm not sure if i am ready for that again.
if anyone is reading this and has a story or thoughts they would like to share, then feel free. it's nice to know we are not alone in our struggle to live.