Endometriosis

Ok, since it is the day before Easter (which by the way "Happy Easter Everyone"), I will make this short and sweet and follow up with another post on Monday. I have done some research as to what may actually be going on with my "not-so-old" but aging female body and this seemed interesting. Back in August when I started these unusual menstrual cycles and abdominal pain, a doctor friend stated that it may be endometriosis. Though, since he was not a gynocologist, I needed to seek a second opinion and was diagnosed with cervical cancer.
Now, though it is not proven that endometriosis causes cervical cancer, it has been proven to effect the cervix, vagina, ovaries, and other reproductive parts of the female body. I have compiled a list of some facts for you such as symptoms and reproductive health as quoted from wikipedia.
Symptoms:

• pelvic pain-----"Symptoms of endometriosic-related pain may include:

dysmenorrhea – painful, sometimes disabling menstrual cramps; pain may get worse over time (progressive pain), also lower back pains linked to the pelvis
chronic pelvic pain – typically accompanied by lower back pain or abdominal pain
dyspareunia – painful sex
dyschezia – painful bowel movements
dysuria – urinary urgency, frequency, and sometimes painful voiding"

• infertility
• nausea, vomiting, vertigo or diarrhea—particularly just prior to or during the period
• frequent menses flow or short menstrual cycle
• heavy or long menstrual periods
• some women may also suffer mood swings and fatigue

If you or anyone you know has these symptoms...please do not feel shy about bringing up the subject of endometriosis to your doctor.

Depo Provera Awareness

This is the start of my crusade against the contraceptive drug known as Depo Provera (also known as medroxyprogesterone acetate). As of right now, I will just have a brief summary as to topics I will be touching on as far as how this drug effects women's health.
In the upcoming posts, I intend to apply the following results:

1. Depo Provera pros and cons
2. History of Depo Provera and the struggle for approval in the FDA (Food and Drug Administration)
3. The connection between Depo Provera and cancer in women
4. The experimental period (which lasted 20 years)
5. Why some countries still have not approved Depo Provera

As a 2 time survivor of cervical cancer, it is my belief that this drug has caused numerous health problems in women globally. It is a theory that I have had since I was first diagnosed with cancer in 1995 and have continued to have problems since.
I sincerely hope that the posts listed above will be followed and help to inform other women about the real risks associated with the contraceptive injection.
The first post will begin tomorrow and hopefully, if all goes well, the others will follow 1 per day after that.

Jade Goody

though i never really followed her life (she was a UK reality TV star and i live in Croatia and don't like reality TV shows), but this story did astonish me. how someone so young could die from a disease, most doctors will tell you is nothing to worry about. proves them wrong, doesn't it.
she was born on June 5, 1981 and passed away on March 22, 2009..making her only 27 years of age at her time of death. it is upsetting how she had battled with poor health since 2002 and the doctors could find nothing wrong until 2008.
a short outline of the events:
2002- cervical pap test that revealed abnormal cells...possibility of cancer.
2004- tested for ovarian cancer..came back negative
2006- tested for bowel cancer..came back negative
2008- went for hospital tests after collapsing for the 4th time....diagnosis...cervical cancer.

why was she not checked for cervical cancer in 2002? if she was, it is not mentioned in the articles that i have read. perhaps they made a mistake and don't want to admit it. though admitting to ignorance is worse, i believe.
here is a quote from her spokesperson upon the cancer diagnosis in august 2008 while she was on the show Big Boss (Indian version of Big Brother) : "It looks like her cancer is at an early stage but we will have to wait until she gets back to Britain and sees a specialist and has more tests".
i was told that as well, as i am sure a lot of us who were diagnosed were told.
as early as September 1, 2008, she was told that the cancer was in advanced stages and her survival chance was 65 percent. after months of surgery and chemotherapy, she lost her battle and her life.
our hearts and thoughts go out to the family and friends of jade goody and all women who have fought the battle of cervical cancer. i will end this post with a quote from wikipedia:
"When news broke that Goody's cancer was terminal, medical authorities in the UK began reporting a surge in requests from women, particularly younger women, for screening for cervical cancer. This reversed a trend which had seen demand for screening decline overall in the past decade, with the highest decline being among women aged 25-29. As a result of the publicity surrounding Goody's illness, on 13 March 2009 government health ministers agreed to review the NHS's policy of not offering screening for cervical cancer until the age of 25 in England (it is 20 in the rest of the UK). Goody issued a press release the same day, saying that she was "immensely proud" that she had helped prompt the review."

Hospital Menu

so i won't have to describe the nutritional value (or lack thereof) of every meal, i will list the food that was offered. this list includes everything: meal, condiments, and drinks....bread is always white

Monday
lunch: broth

Tuesday
nothing

Wednesday
breakfast: 2 slices of bread, bowl of milk (what am i, a cat?)
lunch: broth, hot dog, 2 slices of bread
dinner: rice with some kind of meat (i think it was meat), 2 slices of bread

Thursday
breakfast: 2 slices of bread, a packet of butter (breakfast is now known as "whats for bread?")
lunch: pickled beets, 2 slices of bread, noodles
dinner: cream of wheat, 2 slices of bread (by now, i was wondering if they just keep giving us the same 2 slices of bread we didn't eat from previous meals)

Friday
breakfast: 2 slices of bread, cream cheese
lunch: 2 slices of bread, fish, spinach-potato-cabbage mix, broth (actually, this meal was pretty good)
dinner: macaroni and cheese (i think this was diet mac and cheese because it had half the milk and cheese of others), 2 slices of bread

Saturday
breakfast: 3 slices of bread (must have had an extra slice laying around), butter, jam, bowl of warm milk
lunch: corn grits, beef stew, seasoned salad, 2 slices of bread, broth (again, not bad)
dinner: chicken and dumplings, banana, 2 slices of bread (not as good as mine, but still ok)

Sunday
breakfast: 2 slices of bread, cream cheese, bowl of warm milk
lunch: 2 slices of bread, broth, macaroni and cheese (wasn't too bad after i mixed it with my broth)
dinner: boiled potatoes, seasoned salad, and of course...2 slices of bread

Monday
breakfast: 2 slices of bread, bowl of white coffee (must have been my "farewell" present)

for those keeping track..that was 33 slices of bread:)

M.S.A.T.H...Part 7

Wednesday morning i was woken up as usual at 6:00 am sharp by a nurse. good news was, i was allowed to finally eat, so i anticipated the arrival of breakfast, which was due at 7:30 am, cracked open my book and began to read. btw..nothing else to do there without a television or radio.
like clock work, my first meal arrived and to my dismay, it was less than typical hospital food. it consisted of 2 pieces of white bread (not toasted) and a bowl of warm milk. ok, i will repeat just in case you think i mistyped or you misread....a BOWL of warm milk, as in, not a cup. now, rather the milk was for me or the vermin, i am not sure. though someone should inform these people that it is a woman's hospital and not a veterinary clinic. the only time i drink milk from a bowl is after i am done eating cereal, which apparently, they forgot to add. they also forgot butter, jam, jelly, or anything else that may go with bread.
at 8:00 am, the doctor came in with about 6 interns to check on us and remove the gauze from my vagina. of course, without curtains, my entire womanhood was there for all to see, including my roommates.
the rest of the day was long, but i did manage to finish my book, and since one of my roommates was sent home, it was just 2 of us, which made it a little more quiet and peaceful.

M.S.A.T.H...Part 6...Tuesday

ok, just thought i would warn you that this will in fact be a long post. this was the day of surgery and my nervous breakdown (to put it mildly). however, you will get 2 pictures and a few links with this post.......so here we go.

Tuesday morning began abruptly and precisely at 6:00 am (as did every morning after that). We were awakened by the nurse (to whom i like to refer to as Brunhilda) flipping on all of the lights and yelling "dobro jutro", though she did not sound as chipper as one normally sounds when saying good morning loudly. She then handed each of us a thermometer and left the room. 10 minutes later, she returned like a drill sergeant, ordering us out of our beds and to line up on the other side of the room. After a long speech to us, which i didn't understand, she made the beds and left. Now, when I say "she made the beds"..I refer to just folding down our blankets to the bottom of the bed (as if we were done with them) and straightening our pillows. I will get into the sanitation of the place later on.
Anyway, 15 minutes after Brunhilda left, I went in to take a shower. I dried myself off with a shirt (there were no towels, remember?) and then laid in my bed waiting for the time to pass. It was a very long morning since I was not allowed anything to eat or drink and that included water. Though the one women in the room, was allowed, so we (Kristina and myself) watched her eat. I will get into the menu and nutritional aspects of the meals later on as well.
Finally, around 10:00 am, Brunhilda came to get me and Kristina and took us to pre-op. As we walked down the halls (there are absolutely no wheelchairs..not kidding), I could feel the anxiety start to build within me. We arrived in a room with pre-made beds and we undressed and laid down in our individual beds (i should be thankful that we didn't have to share one). Brunhilda left and 2 other nurses came in and covered me with a green paper blanket and place my hair in a green paper hairnet (at least I matched) and wheeled me in to a room right outside the operating room. The one nurse gave me a little blue pill, which I later found out was a pain pill called "Ketonal" (though it would have been nicer to have the little blue pill from "The Matrix") and prepped my veins for the IV needle.
They stuck a needle in my hand 1st and it hurt a lot. I'm not sure if they missed or what, but they had to try again. So the nurses (and I actually mean morons) chose a spot directly above the 1st and of course, something went wrong. By that time I was in tears. Let me briefly explain to you my pain tolerance. Last June, I had fractured a rib and still moved about and never took a pain pill. I have had many bad relationships and am accident prone as well. So in the course of my lifetime, I have had broken ribs, fractured ribs, been in a fire (as you will see from the picture of my hand), fell down numerous flights of stairs, had my head put through a window, and have been sideswiped by a drunk driver while I was driving a taxi...just to name a few. So my level of pain that I can tolerate, is pretty high. The needle freaking hurt like Hell.
The 3rd attempt was apparently a charm as they stuck the needle in the inside of my elbow and it was pain free at the time. Then it was Kristina's turn to get the IV needle and they actually broke the needle in her hand. She ended up with the IV in the same place as mine. I then turned to her and said "I hope surgery goes better" and she smiled.
They then wheeled me in to the operating room and I heard a nurse say that they had put something in my IV and I would feel very "drowsy?" I'm not entirely sure what she said after the word "very". All I know is that when I heard her, I was staring at the ceiling in the operating room and then I opened my eyes to another ceiling in the recovery room.
I remember when I woke up, a nurse asked how I felt and I told her that I had to "go pee" and she replied "No you don't" and that was it. She took my blood pressure while I was still in the bed they had used for the operation and then I climbed into my hospital bed (not an easy task after having a chunk of your genitalia removed) and was wheeled up to my room. I then grabbed my glasses from the table and saw my right hand. I had 2 puncture wounds from where they had attempted to put the needle (or was attacked by a vampire) and a lump or knot half the size of a golf ball that was purple, green, and black.
Now a golf ball may not seem all that big, but take a look at your hand and imagine shoving half of a gold ball under the skin. Scary huh? I then located my cell phone and messaged Bela to tell him that I was okay. Within the next hour or so, several nurses came in to check on me (though an English speaking one would have been helpful). I asked 3 times to 2 different people about when I would be allowed to eat, drink, or even use the bathroom (I don't care what the nurse said in recovery, I really did have to pee). One nurse answered "sto"..meaning "what" and the other said I was not allowed out of bed for 3 days. No bed pans and not allowed out of bed..this was not going to be a pretty sight.
Around 3:00 pm, I asked a nurse again, if I may use the toilet. She gave me the "1 minute sign" with her finger and at that moment I felt like raising the "not so pleasant sign" with another finger. But I refrained. I then messaged Bela and told him that I wanted to come home. What was the point of being looked after if communication was impossible anyway? A doctor came in about 4:00 pm and spoke a little English, finally. She asked how I was feeling and I told her that I wanted to go home. She said I was suppose to take it easy for 10 days and I said that would be fine. I told her that I did not work, had a live-in boyfriend and had no kids living at home, so bed rest was completely possible. She responded with "You can still have kids". I repeated that I did not have kids at home so I could get bed rest. I even said that I didn't want anymore kids. She then said "You didn't have a hysterectomy. You can still have kids" I must admit, the thought of jumping up and smashing her head against the wall, did enter my mind.
A half hour later, Bela showed up and I told him everything that had happened that day and showed him my hand. Told him I wanted to leave and go home so he went out to talk to someone. He came back and told me that I had to be there for a few days (not sure why, since I read several articles online that said conization was outpatient surgery). That is when I really lost it. I don't think I cried that much since my father passed away. But the real clincher was when a nurse came in about 5 minutes after and took Kristina to go use the toilet and walked out of the room. At that moment, I knew that I was on my own. I stood up out of bed, which was not an easy task, and walked myself to the bathroom to relieve myself of the urine that was still inside of me since before surgery (roughly 7 hours). Bela kissed my forehead and said he would see me tomorrow and left. The rest of the night, I spent crying until I finally cried myself to sleep.

"Right after surgery, you will be taken to a recovery area where nurses will care for and observe you. Usually you will stay in the recovery area for 1 to 4 hours, and then you will go home."

As with any procedure that is done under anesthesia, you will probably need to fast for 6 - 8 hours. You must sign an informed consent form. The procedure is done on the same day (outpatient) and a hospital stay is usually not needed

The mildew on the wall beside my bed. Note that the wall gets darker but the pole stays white:



Picture of my hand 1 week after surgery:

M.S.A.T.H...Part 5...Enema

i was awoken at 3:30pm and taken a room at the end of the hallway to be shaved. not a pleasant experience, but not as bad as the enema. now i will stray off topic for a minute and try to describe the enema experience.
an enema is basically a douche for your colon. it contains a water solution in a medium sized container with a tube (guess where that goes) and a pump to allow the fluid to enter your anus and get into your colon. in itself, it was not so bad, however...i should remind you that i was taken to a room at the END of the hallway. i was then sent back to my room..may i add, praying the entire time. luckily, i made it just in time. the only way to describe the feeling was that of drinking a gallon of prune juice and holding it in for 4 or 5 hours. my roommate, kristina, went next.
now why they give 2 women in the same room an enema at the same time when there is only 1 toilet is beyond me. maybe there were cameras somewhere i wasn't aware of, and we were some sort of reality tv entertainment for them.
on a brighter side, anyone who needs to lose 5 pounds quickly, an enema is the way to go. i, on the other hand would require about 20 of those..lol
ok..so back to my story.
at 4:30, bela arrived and i took the opportunity to walk around a bit (the enema effects had subsided) and mainly to go to the basement to go outside and have a smoke. (yeah, yeah, yeah..insert your "boo's" here). as i sat there chain smoking 2 cigarettes, bela went to the store to get me a bottle of juice and then we said our goodbyes for the day. i returned to my room and began reading my book again.
2 hours later, my roommates grabbed their robes and headed downstairs. i laid in my bed contemplating for a few minutes and decided to go downstairs as well. if i was to get in trouble, then at least i had them to get into trouble with. when i got to the basement, i found a group of women (about 8-10 of them) sitting inside drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. as smoking is not allowed inside the hospital, they were using an old coffee cup as an ashtray. at that moment, i looked around the room and my brain flashed on the movie "girl interrupted" with winona ryder and angelina jolie. the rest of the night was without disturbance from the nurses.
so then we come to the most interesting day of all....Tuesday

barium enema

to be continued

M.S.A.T.H...Part 4

a half hour later, i was awakened by "blondie", who told me we had to go down to see the anesthesiologist. i don't know why since i was just there on friday, but then figured what the hell. so "blondie" doesn't speak to me the entire way in the corridor or elevator..she just led me along, and i mean she led me by having her arm around my waist and guiding me. then she said "stay" and went into the office. ok...i must admit that i am in fact a bitch sometimes, but by no means should i be treated like a dog. then she came out of the office and and led me back to my room. i was then informed that i could sleep now, and i did, because i believed her.
a half hour after that, another nurse came in, woke me up and took me to the back office where she took down my information that was already written on 5 other documents in my folder. i then went back to my room, and knowing better than to try to sleep, i picked up my book and started reading. at around noon, blondie came in with some disgusting liquid for me to drink along with 3 cups of water to help cleanse my system. an hour later, my lunch arrived. it was a coffee cup of what i think is suppose to be chicken broth and i was told that would be all i am allowed for the day. oh joy. though if any other form of vitamin or supplement was offered, it might not have been so bad.
i then tried, and i stress, tried to take a nap, yet again. this time, i was actually successful for a few hours.....to be continued

My Stay at the Hospital Part 3----Monday

We arrived bright and early on monday morning at "klinika za ženkse bolesti i porode"...basically it translates to "hospital for women". after asking 3 or 4 people for directions, we finally found the ward we were to be in. the wait was only about a half hour, so it wasn't so bad (though having more than 3 chairs in the waiting area would have been nice). but then we found out that "monday was preparation day". so basically, sunday was just a trial run and i was regretting not having that morning cup of coffee i deprived myself of. my boyfriend, bela, had then informed the nurses that i spoke very little croatian and i was from america. one nurse (we will call her blondie) , responded with, and i quote, "no problem".
so we go into the room that i will be staying in. it is what i described, with the 4 beds, 1 toilet, 1 shower, 2 closets, and 1 tv (which i guess is only for the lucky 2 people on the one side of the room), no curtains which equals no privacy. upon further inspection of this facility, i noticed that there were not any towels in the shower room, no hospital gowns (not even the paper ones), no juice or watered offered (even at meals), no toothpaste, toothbrush, paper towels, shampoo, or any other little complimentaries you might receive at a hospital. we even had to ask for our toilet paper. this just all seemed odd to me as i was under the impression that hospital was in fact short for hospitality. pretty much, if you didn't bring it, you didn't have it.
so i picked a bed, only 2 left (yes, the ones without the tv) and bela left. i unpacked some belongings and waved to my 2 roommates, who waved back but that was about the extent of our conversation for the day. i cracked open a book that i had bought just for my visit (very good btw..."one last scream" by kevin o'brien). i then fell asleep reading it due to lack of sleep the previous night....to be continued

My Stay at the Hospital Part 2

sunday wasn't such a big deal as i was home and had to be at the hospital on monday morning at 8am. though we were sure that surgery was to be on monday (mainly because we were told that), i took the adequate preparations to insure a complication free operation. i refrained from eating and drinking after midnight...even alcohol which would have made sleeping and relaxation a little easier. i went to bed around 12:30am and finally drifted off to sleep around 2am. i awoke bright and early at 6 in the morning and, as i was under the assumption that my conization was in a few hours, i denied myself my morning coffee as well as water or anything else. needless to say, i was incredibly thirsty and my mouth felt like it was stuffed with moth balls. i hadn't had cotton mouth that bad since my pot smoking days. which brings us to another chapter...monday
to be continued....

My Stay at the Hospital

i am back and not too soon. i got the results from my conization and am officially cancer free (insert extreme happy face here) though my entire experience was nothing short of a nightmare but gave me plenty of material that i will share with you starting now. however, since i have so much to say, this post or posts rather, will be broken up into little segments so i don't leave anything out. i wish to describe every little detail to its fullest and hope to achieve that. i also have a few photos that i took to prove this to be real, which i will post in some of the articles. here is part 1 of my story:

the once white walls were just a memory below the soot and everyday filth that cover them now. Torn and raggedy venetian blinds hung from the dirt and mildew infested windows (or at least the windows that did not have the security bars on them). the large, heavy doors were a dark green with what used to be cream colored molding, to which only fragments remained. plastered hallways were chipped and dimly lit. it was the type of place that one would think of when asked to describe a setting for a horror movie. unfortunately, it was real. it was the hospital that i had my surgery in...a woman's hospital actually. as you can tell, it was far from a pleasant experience.
the view from my room consisted of moss-covered rooftops and a dead tree. in the middle of the room was a black and white dinette table with 4 matching, yet taped-up, chairs. this was actually the only good thing about the room. though seeing how we were bedridden, it posed as more of a centerpiece that we could admire instead of portraying the functionality it was meant for. i guess in order for you to really appreciate the experience i had rendered, i should take you step by step.......to be continued

Happy Valentines Day

as the days get closer to my time of surgery, it is nice to be able to take a step back and look around on this day and see all the people i love and who love me. that is what this day is about after all.
i go in to the hospital on monday morning at 8am and will be in there for at least a few days. we visited the last doctor (anesthesiologist) yesterday and everything is fine for me to get the operation. but like i said, that is monday and today is a beautiful Valentines Day in Zagreb so i plan to live it up. we have plans to go to the mall and do a little shopping for books, so i have something to read while i recover. also going to get some food so i have snacks in there as well. i don't care what country you live in, hospital food is hospital food.
i also plan to quit smoking after my stay. i can't smoke in the hospital so will be without cigarettes a few days anyway....seems like the perfect time and the perfect thing to do. wish me luck as it won't be easy.
ok, going to get going and enjoy this lovely day...hope you all have a great one.

Borderline Personality Disorder

i know this has nothing to do with cancer, but a loved one was just diagnosed with this and i felt the need to write a post about it.
for those of you who are not familiar with this mental disease, i will give you a brief list of symptoms.

1: Relationship problems
2: Low self-worth
3: Intense emotions and mood swings
4: Aggressive behavior
5: Impulsive behaviors that are self-damaging (substance abuse, binge drinking...)
6: fear of abandonment

these are just some of the symptoms and are more severe than your average mood swing. if you or anyone you know has these symptoms, please get professional help right away as this is very serious. if left untreated it may lead to suicide, injury to ones self such as cutting, violent temper outburst and other acts.
for more information, please check here.

Test Results

well, my tests came back decent. chest x-ray showed no signs of lung cancer (great news). EKG was good and my blood tests came back ok as well. though i am lacking in iron and protein, it is still not major (i just need to start taking vitamins i guess). but maybe i don't. this brings me to the whole "blood test procedure" questions.
why do they advise you not to eat or drink anything 12 hours before a blood test just to tell you that you have low iron and protein in your system? shouldn't we be able to go about our normal routine and intake of foods before a blood test? that would be the most accurate of results i think. my normal morning is 2-3 cups of coffee with milk and sugar, so if i am denied that, then my sugar will be lower than it normally is at 8am. thereby making the results that they got while i was fasting, completely false compared to what my blood results would normally be.
now seeing how i graduated high school through a summer school program, i am sure (insert sarcasm here) that the doctors would know more about my body than i do. i am just making an obvious observation about medicine and how i think it should be performed.
everyone may be created equal, but our bodies are not.

Series of Tests

as some of you might already know, i have to go through a series of tests before surgery (which is set for February 16). today was filled with blood tests, urine sample, chest x-ray, and an EKG. i can think of better ways to spend my time, but i guess we all have to do what we need to to beat this disease.
after only 2 hours of sleep last night, we (my boyfriend and i) arrived at the clinic around 7:30 this morning. first on the agenda was blood and urine, the latter of which has been postponed due to my menstruation and therefore i cannot produce an accurate urine sample. but never the less, 4 tubes of blood were taken so at least that is over with and my arm resembles that of a heroin addicts.
next stop was chest x-ray. this was actually fast, efficient and painless i must say. but there is something to be said about taking your shirt and bra off, leaning against a cold plate of metal and taking a deep breath. i think its the whole "taking shirt off" bit that i dislike. its not that i feel uncomfortable, but lets face it, more people have seen my breasts and genitals this year than my entire time in high school. keep in mind that it isn't even February yet.
last but not least, was the EKG. now the fact that they call it EKG has me somewhat baffled since its real name is electrocardiogram. wouldn't it be ECG? doesn't matter i guess, i just thought it kind of odd to abbreviate with a letter that doesn't even exist in the word.
but the real baffling part is when they hooked two wires up to my legs. now, unless i missed something in science class, the heart is more towards the chest region, right? anywho, i had 1 wire attached to each leg, 1 on each side of my chest, and 3 underneath my left breast. the entire experience is completely painless and as i laid there on the bed, i had to hold back the urge to just burst out laughing. i'm not sure if it was the lack of sleep or the fact that i felt like keanu reeves in the matrix shortly after he took the red pill (hairy legs and all), but it was the perfect ending to the first series of tests. although next time i think i might take along a camera so as i can get pictures of the idiocracy that i felt at that moment.
tomorrow, we get results from tests, so i will keep everyone posted. i just wanted to share this unforgettable experience and try to shed a little bit of light on what is a dark moment known as cancer.

Man or Martyr?

ok..so we are drawn to that question. is he a man who loves you, would do anything for you?
or is he the one who wants everyone looking at him saying "oh poor" you, i guess, because he wants to feel like the hero when he is not?
this is easy to tell ladies. there are a few rules to take into account:
does he spend his time catering to you?
does he not just ask if you want to go out with him and his friends, but say "i will tell them they have to come here"?
does he say that you should not be reading stuff like this?
does he make your illness into his imaginary, "look at me" illness?

how do we tell these men apart?...simple!
when you feel depressed..does he hug you? hold you? tell you everything will be ok?
does he tell you he should be the ones who is crying because he is the one who ACTUALLY has to go through it?
do you feel like you want to not die, but just not exist anymore? (yes, there is a difference)
do you feel like you should not talk about him because he might find out?

here is a big and the most significant hint.....
if a man or a significant other feels like they are being betrayed as an idiot, a bitch, or an asshole...then they should try a different approach to life and their other.
otherwise, they are an asshole, bitch, or, if i must say, worst scum of the earth and surrounding planets.
if i may say...and i may because it is my blog and mine alone....
no one is here to serve anyone....we are all equal
plain and simple!
any man who says that they are superior ...ask them where their next meal comes from (besides their pocket)
any man who says they can do anything a woman can do...then by all means ..give birth!
they get a papercut and it is an emergency..try an episiotomy!

Doctors and Algebra

i have to go see another doctor (doctor B) today about my cervical cancer. this is the one who is covered by insurance, but he doesn't speak english, which is why i was going to the private doctor (doctor A) to begin with. Now hopefully doctor B will just write the referral i need to go see yet another doctor (doctor C) on Thursday. doctor C is the oncologist/gynecologist. he'll be the one performing the surgery.

upon all these doctors and doctor visits, the question is posed: how many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? i have been seeing so many doctors lately, i feel like i'm at a singles mixer for the rich and famous. call me old fashioned but i prefer to be tied down to one doctor and not play the field. to have just one doctor that does everything and not have your medical journal look like an algebra problem.

if A+B=C, then why can't i just go to C? is it just like in school when you can't just write down the answer, but have to show your work? my teachers always said that i would need all of that information i learned sometime in my life. i just never thought it would be that.

maybe life really is an arithmetic problem. death is "the answer", "showing your work" is life itself.

Is There Life After HPV?

sex life that is.
i was taking a nice hot bubble bath earlier and was feeling really relaxed and comfortable. then i found myself starting to feel depressed. at first, even i couldn't figure it out, but then it dawned on me....my boyfriend was in the living room.
may not sound strange to most of you, but there was a time before my diagnosis that i rarely took a bath without him. then my mind began to race as to trying to remember the last time i had a "real" kiss and not just a peck. by that time, the tears flowed from my eyes like niagra falls.
has HPV stolen my sexuality? will he ever see me as the woman i was before the HPV?
by no means am i blaming him, as no one else should either. this disease is not his fault. i'm the one with HPV...not him. but when will i feel sexy again, if ever?
i read on the internet (as usual) a little bit about this, but couldn't find much on the subject. i guess it is just all derived from personal experiences and not scientific theories based on evidence.
makes you wonder what HPV really stands for. is it human papillomavirus or something else? maybe its Having a Penis Vacation! or Horny Persons Village. either way, i would thrilled to have a little more intimacy than intimidation in my life.

Conization

So i went to the doctor yesterday and found out that i need a conization. of course, after i got home, i started doing research on this. here is what i found out:

conization, also known as cone biopsy or cold knife biopsy, is where a piece of flesh from the cervix is taken out, either with a scalpel or laser, in the shape of a triangle. this piece is similar to a cone shape, hence the name.
this procedure has 2 functions:

1. to remove the abnormal or cancerous cells
2. to further investigate the extent of the cancer

upon removal of the tissue, the sample is then examined and the doctor and patient then decide what the following steps should be. sometimes, this is all that needs to be done. sometimes, further treatment is required.

this is a picture that i found on the internet giving a description of the cone biopsy process.

In a cone biopsy, the patient lies on her back, and a speculum is inserted into the vagina (A). The cervix is visualized, and a cone-shaped piece of the cervix is removed (B and C). A cauterizing tool is used to stop any bleeding (D).

in rare cases, it may become impossible to carry a fetus full term, so you may want to ask your doctor about this if you want to have children in the future.

Worried About Surgery

its been a few days since my last post and for that i apologize. i spoke to my doctor on monday and i have an appointment tomorrow to go over the steps we are going to take with my cancer.
i have been depressed and didn't want that to come out in my blog, so i stayed away. as i said in earlier posts, i am an american living in croatia and right now i am worried about the communication difference, among other things. will i be able to talk to the nurses or doctors in the hospital? will they understand me if something hurts? will i be able to understand them when they tell me of my progress?
it may not seem like a big deal to most, but to me it is.
then there is the recovery period. i have never been pampered and i am guessing that that will not change. though, from what i have read, i will be out of commission for a few weeks. i will have to limit physical activity. problem is, i don't think i can. and if i do, then i will have weeks worth of dishes and cleaning to catch up on. should i pamper myself and play catch-up later, or just ignore doctors orders and go about my normal routine?
what would you do?